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Sep. 25th, 2005 | 05:23 pm

Blaise opens his shop tomorrow. I'm terribly excited and pleased for him and worried at the same time. I remember how nervous I was when I opened the store in London. Would anyone come in? Would they buy anything? Had I wasted my time and effort? I can't help but wonder if Blaise is going through the same thing, with the same worries.

I've been thinking of what to do for him tomorrow after his first day. I'm hoping it's a busy one, but I thought perhaps a massage and a foot rub. Been thinking about what to get him for Christmas as well since it took me so long to find the perfect gift for his birthday. It's probably silly, thinking this far ahead, but ever since he explained what tesoro really meant, I've been wanting to make sure he knows that's what he is for me as well. Family.

I never really expected to have family of my own. I mean, there's my parents, but they are largely non-responsive. Even Mum barely recognises me any more, and I rarely visit. And there's Gran, who's informed me that come the end of the year, I officially gain my inheritance, whatever all that will be. She won't tell me, but she smiles and nods like it's something I'll like. More likely, it's something that requires duty.

Aside from that, I think I'd like to have Zia here for the hols. I think it would be lovely, and would be something Blaise would enjoy. That means of course that I need to start thinking about a real home. I mean, according to Gran, I've got property, or will have property, but she's said that before. And I'd like something that's just ours - mine and Blaise's I mean - someplace we chose together to bring Zia to. It's silly. I don't even know if Blaise wants that. I mean... well, something like that positively screams committment, and if we do that... well, it'd be a bit like... well like marriage, but are we ready for that? I doubt Blaise is, or would even want that with me and really, I'm getting ahead of myself I think.

I'll just have to figure out how to bring it up is all. Without mentioning Zia, or what I want to do for him for the hols.

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Sep. 16th, 2005 | 09:38 pm
mood: contentcontent

Wow. It's really been a long time since I wrote in here. Almost a month. Getting the plants to specialise in has been more work than I thought. As has been getting areas set up in the greenhouse to grow them in the correct conditions.

I took Blaise on a surprise trip to Kyoto and I thought he was going to kill me before we even got there. Merlin but that was fun. It was nice to be the one working him up for a chance. Must do that again soon. But Japan was gorgeous and gods the plants! Ron and I traded stories about our respective trips, not that I told him about the fabulous sex with Blaise, but I'm sure he has an idea.

Blaise has been busy getting his stock together for his shop. He's put so much work into it, I can't imagine it being anything but a success. He's even managed to get Snape's help with making the products. And he's gorgeous, and really, if anyone knows anything about taking care of skin it's Blaise. I love that man so much. It feels like every day, every moment, it gets stronger. Is that even possible? It must be, because it's happening. I know he'll be opening his store soon. Maybe a week or so.

Went to Muggle London and fetched some Thai take away. Hope Blaise is in the mood for something spicy when he gets home.

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018 Homecoming

Aug. 20th, 2005 | 10:45 am

Wow. Oh Merlin I'm so lucky. Blaise is amazing, and his aunt! I love her, fell in love with her when she told me she had Blaise come see her so she could watch him run errands. Wicked sense of humour that one has.

I don't even know where to start. I told him. In Italian even. And the way he responded... gods. He didn't even have to say it, I just knew. His birthday was spent at the hotel. It rained for most of the day, so I pampered him. Well, tried to anyway. the sex now is so...

He got me a gift, a gorgeous bracelet that I haven't taken off since he put it on.

I was so nervous about meeting his aunt. Bloody terrified actually. And he was too, the git, just pretended like he wasn't. She was the one who told me all he stood to lose by being with me. It was odd, it almost sounded like she had been waiting for us to get together. Like she knew he would end up there with me in tow.

And then we came home, and he explained what tesoro really meant. And I fell in love with him all over again, because I'm not just boyfriend or lover. I'm family and that means more than I can possibly express. I don't think he has any idea how completely he owns me just now. I don't plan on telling him. He'll figure it out eventually.

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017 Taking A Trip

Aug. 12th, 2005 | 11:04 am

Blaise's birthday is on Sunday. We're going to Milan to celebrate with his Aunt. We ran into Millicent while we were shopping for the trip, and she insisted on buying us matching robes. I have no idea what they will look like. I still don't know what to give him. I want to tell him how I feel, want it so badly my bones vibrate with the need to tell him.

We went dancing on Monday, ended up in the back room naked and sweaty, and it was all I could do not to tell him then.

Right. I'll tell him. Soon. I just... I'll think about how later.

Dung found Roland again and he's worse than before it seems. But I don't want to think about anything unpleasant right now. I'm about to go on vacation. With the man I love. Who doesn't know that.

I need to get a move on. I have to buy a phrase book, check the London store and drop Ron an owl letting him know he's in charge until Wednesday. It's half day Wednesday and I think he can handle it. I'll give him a bonus because it's so last minute. And then I have to meet Blaise.

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016 - World changing

Aug. 4th, 2005 | 12:06 am

Oh my god. I damn near lost Blaise last night. He's engaged. Well, he thought he wasn't, but he was, is. To Millicent Bulstrode. And I... my brain went to Roland. So many similarities. And I... I flaked. I freaked. For a little while there I went mad or something and thought he was Roland. I was there again, with Roland, in that office, getting the shite beat out of me. There with those men holding me still while he shot me full of Muggle drugs. It was horrid. Read more...Collapse )

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Jul. 31st, 2005 | 06:31 pm

Merlin where do I even begin? He wants me. He really wants me. He'd said so before, but I'd thought he was taking the piss, and went along with it, even though I knew I wanted it, wanted him. Read more...Collapse )

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Jul. 29th, 2005 | 03:40 pm

This is silly, but I had to do this. Was looking through the Muggle CD's I bought in London when I was there. I can't play them here, haven't got anything set up to work with magic that way, but I ran across one that just... it reminds me of me and Blaise. Just as we are right now, with his decision to wake with me for a while still in my thoughts, colliding with my worries of what if he was only taking the piss.

the songCollapse )

Obviously, some words stand out more than others. Hopes, dreams, fears, wants. Wonder which bits will come true and if this song will even apply in a month or two.

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Jul. 27th, 2005 | 08:19 am

I don't know what the hell to think any more. I go to London, get reminded quite forcibly that the only thing I'm good for is a shag, to get rescued and brought home, where the two men I've been... seeing, for lack of a better word, wasted precious time arguing over who gets to help me. Or so Ron said. And Fred of all people started it. What was he thinking?

Fred says he wants more than a casual thing. He was jealous of Blaise. The whole time he was talking I kept thinking 'this isn't happening'. It just... it was too unbelievable to be real. By the time it was all said and done I couldn't help but wonder if the only reason Fred decided he wanted more than casual was because Blaise was there. Sort of like a kid with a new toy that doesn't want to share, that whole 'I got here first' thing. Because he thought Blaise wanted me more than he did, or wanted something more with me than he has. Pity he doesn't. Blaise doesn't do long term, he said as much. I mean, I don't think Fred asked me once how I was doing. Oh water sure, but... I don't know.

And I told both of them about Roland.

I told Blaise first. He seemed... I don't know, worried I reckon. But he held me through the entire thing, and held me after when I expected him to leave. And he kissed me. Before and after I told him. I don't know what to think about that. He makes me feel safe... and protected. And no matter how much I go over what he said, and the fact he said he wasn't lying to me, there's still the fact that people make a living selling people for sex, and that if the sex is good enough, some people will stop at nothing to get it. So how do I know if either one of them really want me for me, and not because the other one is sniffing around me? Sort of like a dog with a chew toy protecting it from another dog.

The fucked up thing is, I want to believe it. I want to believe they were both fighting over me because they both want me for themselves... because they want me, Neville Longbottom, the whole person, not just Neville the sex toy.

Fuck. I can't think about this anymore.

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Jul. 23rd, 2005 | 11:39 am

My birthday is in seven days. I refuse to turn a quarter of a century old without resolving some of the issues of my past. I must deal with my past if I'm to have any hope for a future.

There are two men, both of whom have some interest in me, and I cannot for a moment believe they might possibly want more than just a shag. I want that hold gone. I want to know why I was chosen as the mark for an extremely elaborate con. I need to know. I need to understand what made it so easy. And I need to do it alone.

After my date with Fred and everything I've had with Blaise, including last night, I have to find a way to put this past me. Neither man deserves to have me distrusting their motives, and I don't need to keep distrusting myself and my worth. there must be something there that they both see, and right now, all I can possibly attribute their motives to is the need for a convenient shag. That can't be all I am. If it is... I can't live that way. I just can't.

I have to do this.

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Jul. 20th, 2005 | 09:23 am
mood: scaredscared

I am so fucked. I don't know what the hell happened. I haven't written about it, what happened with Blaise on Monday after Ron left because I thought it was just, I don't know... I just didn't want to I reckon. But then, yesterday...

I met with Dung yesterday. I know where the bastard is. He's in London. Living above this place called the Purple Tadpole. Third floor, first left door Dung said. And when I left Dung, all I could think about was what Roland did. How he tricked me and what a fucking fool I'd been.

So I came home, stripped off my shirt and went to sleep. I didn't want to think about it anymore. When I woke up, Blaise had gone shopping, and was cooking. And is damn good at it too. That would have been alright I suppose, but he noticed. He noticed I was almost out of Ice Vodka. I don't think he's seen me drink that anywhere but here at the flat. I saw him looking me over, and I know he must has seen the shit place I was in. And he made a joke, took my mind off it, and kept my mind off it, off Roland. And of course, I was pudding, but given the way I rode him Monday...well, fair's fair.

But... he made a comment, about me being wrapped 'round his finger. And this morning I woke up wrapped around him. Arms, legs, everything tangled together. I felt... warm, and treasured, and safe. This... I don't get things like that. The last time was... and Fred's due back soon... I don't get safe. It's not like he really has... or wants... We're just friends.

I think... I need to ask him to go stay at the London flat. I can't have him here right now, it feels too good real important intimate. Like we're together, a real couple. It's too much, too fast. He has to leave.

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